Dear Newsweek, My son, who is 39, has an 8-year-old child with his ex. He has met a young lady with two boys by two separate men, and now has a 9-month-old little girl with my son.
My son and I have always had a very close relationship, but since meeting this lady, I have been classified as a terrible grandmother and soon-to-be mother-in-law. I have never in my whole life had anyone dislike like me, so this is very hard for me to understand.
She is very controlling. Everything has to be her way and she has never tried to have a relationship with me. She has banned me from seeing my granddaughter and has caused a lot of problems between me and my son.
If I buy things for my first grandson that he has asked for, she thinks that I should buy for her two sons as well. I am not even close with these boys. This has been ongoing for six to nine months now.
I am totally heartbroken. When I married my second husband, he had a son and we raised three boys in a blended family, so I know all too well what it is like. My boys never had a problem with my husband buying his son things that I could not buy for them. Why do people feel so entitled for everything? Children need to be taught that you cannot have everything you want.
Broken-hearted Grandma, Unknown
Newsweek's "What Should I Do?" offers expert advice to readers. If you have a personal dilemma, let us know via life@newsweek.com. We can ask experts for advice on relationships, family, friends, money and work and your story could be featured on WSID at Newsweek.
It's Best To Surrender Early
Ruth Freeman is the founder and president of at Peace at Home Parenting Solutions, delivering classes to encourage better communication. She is also a psychotherapist who has worked with families in crisis to offer parenting education to a variety of situations.
You're in a hard place here, but learning that being right isn't the most important issue is a good place to start.
You've got two challenges to address. First, you didn't choose to have this woman in your life, and she has enormous influence over your loved ones. However, it's best to surrender early.
Second, you're going to have to cope with the challenges of a stepfamily that is unfolding differently than you expected or would prefer. Clearly, the mother of this new grandchild has a pretty untraditional mode of family planning, nevertheless you're powerless over this situation.
You can ask your son and his partner if they're willing to sit down and discuss her behavior, so you can understand their requests or even consider meeting with a family therapist.
Alternatively, you can start with just your son and just ask him what he needs and wants from her at this time. Doing things the way you believe is right is far less important than protecting your relationship with your grandchildren.
If refraining from buying gifts for just her biological grandchild is a deal-breaker, then consider buying less expensive items and respect Mom's wishes that all the kids get equal gifts.
While this request isn't consistent with your preferences, keeping the peace is more important, so you don't miss out on these important relationships.
He Seems To Have No Voice, And Needs To Step Up And Be Heard
Frieda Birnbaum is a research psychologist, psychoanalyst and author.
It is obvious your future daughter-in-law has difficulty with relationships. It is also obvious that she is so needy and controlling that she pushes people away. The red flag is that she is alienating everyone and getting what she wants—control over your son.
If she doesn't want you to know your grandchild, then she should not be entitled to get any gifts from you for your grandchild. It is your son's responsibility to fix this broken relationship between the two of you. Where is he in this picture? You are both strangers to each other. Yet your son has known you and now knows this new person in your life.
He needs to support your needs. He seems to have no voice and needs to step up and be heard. She is obviously scarred from her past experiences and over time, will push your son away. In order to save this impending marriage, your son needs to speak up or he will eventually leave her with her sense of entitlement.
It's not that she doesn't like you. She doesn't like that you have such close ties with your son. She wants to be the one that is center stage. What she doesn't know is that as a mother your role will not conflict with her role as a wife.
Sit back, time will tell. Your son will be the one who breaks the dam open. In due time, your life will get back to normal and you will have your peace of mind.
Uncommon Knowledge
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.
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